I think my life has gone through three phases and like most terminology I use Jas helped me with the precise verbiage.
The first 22 years of my life I was in a dependent mode. I believed God blessed, he took away and decided everyone's fate and I was just at the mercy of his will.
The second phase was independence. I believed that I wholly created my own environment and world. There was no larger big G god it was just me.
The final and phase and the one I am currently trying to maneuver is a relationship of interdependence*. God and I are in a collaborative relationship together. We are making everything together. This is the path where my story is my offering.
*the dependence of two or more people or things on each other.
Nine
The love story continues going into 4th of July weekend 2015, deciding to stay in the city to enjoy a couple of days by myself. Comfort has been on my mind as of late and I have been thinking about how it is possible for me to continue acting in a way that is false even though I have been shown the truth?
It feels like a constant battle between my mind and body to try something new. The way I have always done things feels comfortable and it feels safe. This comfort is what I have built an impenetrable fort around for the last 24 years. I am afraid that living in the truth that I now know will not feel the same as the before. I am afraid that it won’t feel as good and I am afraid that I’ll suffer.
My life feels good when I am with others but when I’m alone, in my own thoughts, I dissolve into loneliness and despair.
For once I feel like my mind does not have the answers so I let a small inkling coming from my heart dictate the movements of my body. Sitting alone in my apartment I scroll through the different articles and books on my phone after Googling, “where we find our comfort” These words stop me and allow me to breathe, “if we are distressed it is for your comfort and salvation. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.”
Not entirely comprehending what this means, the inkling in my heart turns into a memory of a fourteen old child walking on a cold crisp morning, when You met me in the form of a doe. You said, “Let Go” and comfort washed over me. .
Words: A.D. Verville